Any resemblance to characters either living or dead is purely coincidental
Why I love David Cameron
Scene1
A room somewhere, on the side is a copy of ?Philosophy: The Basics? and next to that ?The Da Vinci Code?
NICK1: Hello all.
NICK2: Good day sir, may I have the pleasure of your name
NICK1: Because I like your face, I?ll let you in on it, the names Nick
NICK2: What an excellent title! I?m a Nick as well
Enter Nick3
NICK3: What?s this a party, can I join the conversation?
NICK2: I like the cut off your jib, and your hair, so introduce yourself, don?t hold back!
NICK3: My friend James, and my mom, call me Nick
NICK2: What a charming coincidence, we?re both Nicks as well!
NICK1: There are too many Nicks for my liking now
NICK2: It could become mildly confusing, especially in the long run, I?ll give you that.
NICK3: If you two say so, though personally I can see the advantages?
NICK1: Quiet you. We have to clean up this sordid mess, and quickly, before any one else comes in
NICK2: Well, we could have numbers, I could be Nick1, you Nick2, and you Nick3
NICK1: Why should you be Nick1, I was here first!
NICK2: I think your more of a ?2?, but if you say so
NICK: I do say so! My father had this name and his father before him and his father won it in a fight with a French-man, therefore don?t expect me to be a number ?2?
NICK3: I?ve got an idea, we could all be ?Nick1?, that way we all get what we want
NICK2: That?s demented, but we could change
our names, so you could be a Mat and he could be a Phil
NICK1: You?d have me be a Phil, a Peter or worse a Jamie, forget it
NICK2: Well someone?s going to have to cave in, let?s toss for it
NICK3: We can?t do that in public we?d look ridiculous
NICK1: Nick3 is right we?ll not solve anything by tossing
NICK2: What about a competition then?
NICK1: Like
what?
NICK2: A race? Whoever gets to Cape Town first gets the name
NICK1: Why should the spoils go to the fastest? You only chose that because you have the frame of a whippet
NICK3: We could have a game of Monopoly then, it involves the intellect of the man, plus I?ve got the Manchester edition!
NICK1: I?m not playing children?s games for something that important, I?m Nick and if anyone thinks otherwise they can fight me for it!
NICK2: OK. You long haired ponce let?s fight! [Advancing towards Nick1, just as Alice enters]
ALICE: Nick! What the f**ck do you think your doing? Violence is never the answer, never.
[ALL THE NICKS]: Alice!
NICK1: Well tell these c**t?s I?m the real Nick
NICK2: No it?s me, isn?t it Alice.
NICK3: I?m happy with Nick3
NICK1: Please help us Alice, you?re ever so good at solving problems
NICK2: Please, we don?t know what we?d do without you
NARRATOR: So Alice thought long and hard and came up with a plan
ALICE: O.K boys it took me a while but I have an idea, which should be deeply satisfying for all four of us?whoever can prove they?re the greatest philosopher gets to keep his name, and the losers have to be called Vivian and Graham, or something. In addition the winner gets a ?Best of Kate Bush? CD.
NICK1: This should be easy. I?m clearly the best philosopher, Alice knows
NICK2: You clown. I?m thrice the philosopher you?ll ever
be.
ALICE: I?ll be the judge of that if you don?t mind! Come back here in ten years time, and show me what makes you the best philosopher. Nick you will go on my first whistle, Nick3 you will go on my second whistle. Right, go. Don?t hang around. I need this room in five minutes.
Scene2
Same place ten years time
ALICE: Alright guys show us what you?ve got, don?t be embarrassed, I promise I won?t laugh, and we?ll see who?s the greatest Nick
NICK3: I?m sorry to disappoint Alice, I don?t have the goods you?re after anymore, I had a sex change two years ago and am now Nicole, I realised Nick just wasn?t me, sister.
ALICE: OK. What about you [Looking to Nick2]
NICK2: I don?t think I can satisfy you in that department either Alice. You see I was on a voyage of self discovery in India, where I was almost drowned but I miraculously survived, and I realised it was a sign from God?so I converted to Islam and am now called Usaf Islam. Praise Allah!
ALICE: Surely some-bodies got something more substantial, for me! Where?s the other Nick
NICK2: He killed himself when he discovered that Nick wasn?t his real father after all
ALICE: Who was his real father then?
NICK2: David Cameron. Turns out he was one of his many bastard love children. Poor child, nobody could live knowing that.
NICK3: Sorry Alice. We know you?ve been looking forward to this, and now we can?t offer you anything. But
tell us anyway who did best?
ALICE: Well the truth is you?ve all won in a sense, because Nick was a bit off a rubbish name to begin with, not worth arguing about, I much prefer the name ?David? which certainly is worth fighting over. Also I lied about the Kate Bush C.D, a drink to celebrate anyone?
NICK3: Yeah, let?s get a bottle of red wine, watch Bridget Jones and slag off men all night, yeeh!
NICK2: Look! The peace trains pulling into the station, come on everyone lets jump aboard?
END.
Merry Christmas. David