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Kisses

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OK, so this is OT, but Rab's blog about Dave Chalmers made me look again at Chalmer's website (well worth a visit). I particularly liked this link to Trygve Lode's piece on kissing in The Unnatural Enquirer, and hey, it's a holiday. Lets all be safe out there ...

Nick Jones

   /* Dear Doctor Rude, */

   /* I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
   explain to me the difference between the following kisses? */

      1. /*Aristotelian kiss */
      2. /*Hegelian kiss */
      3. /*Wittgensteinian kiss */
      4. /*Godelian kiss */

   /*Signed,
   Flummoxed in Florida */

	
* Also in this issue of
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Johnny Highwaycone <http://www.trygve.com/johnnyhighwaycone.html>
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NerdSigns <http://www.trygve.com/nerdsigns.html>
Astrology for the 21st Century *



Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

*_Aristotelian kiss_*
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical
speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that
the latter is irrelevant anyway. *_Hegelian kiss_*
dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own
antithikiss, forming a synthekiss. *_Wittgensteinian kiss_*
the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only
to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with
the experience of the kiss--which must necessarilly also be
differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which
need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different
people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as
such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations
about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our
manipulation of the symbology therefor. *_Godelian kiss_*
a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you
unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not. 




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This is by no means an exhaustive list--here are some more of the classic kisses:


*_Socratic kiss_*
really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic
technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to
most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot
more and cover more ground. *_Kantian kiss_*
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed
entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually
feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best
kiss you've ever given or received. *_Kafkaesque kiss_*
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but
ends up just bugging you. *_Sartrean kiss_*
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really
doesn't matter anyway. *_Russell-Whiteheadian kiss_*
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously
and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete
somehow. *_Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss_*
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. *_Pythagorean kiss_*
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful
techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others
would find out about them and copy them. *_Cartesian kiss_*
a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think,
therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian
unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one
has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement
involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.) *_Heisenbergian kiss_*
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are
of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you
have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type
of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of
uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed
or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need
not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them. *_Nietzscheian kiss_*
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger." *_Epimenidian kiss_*
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss. *_Grouchoic kiss_*
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss
him or her. *_Harpoic kiss_*
shut up and kiss me. *_Zenoian kiss_*
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch. *_Procrustean kiss_*
suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've
experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to
areas of the anatomy other than the lips. 

  - Doctor Rude




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